Fat Cat in the House


A few years back I was walking along the road with my son when this bloke comes out of his house and says, “hey, do you want this?” while putting a kitten in my son’s hand. Two things popped into my head. First thing; I say no thanks and hand it back and 20years later when they’re craning my son’s car out of someone’s living room, he says to me, “this is all because you wouldn’t let me love that cat.”

Second; we come home with the kitten and my wife gives me that ‘you idiot look’ and I get the cold shoulder for a week. I’m rarely in the good books so in trouble is a familiar safe place.

We brought the kitten home.

The cat is now an adult and the two main times I interact with it is in the morning when it whinges for food and when I get back from work and it whinges for food. I overfeed the cat so it won’t whinge. For this I get abused by my family. Even the vet takes a swing.

Let me just pause to tell you about the vet. He has a bell on the door. I call it the $300 bell because very time I hear it the meter starts at 300. Every time the cat goes there the vet insists on checking his temperature “old school”. In any other situation that would be assault and my cat knows this. I am left with no doubt that financially and emotionally a trip to the vet will result in many weeks of recovery.

Anyway, regularly I’m banished from the feeding job and the cat will be put on a diet. The result is he will venture into the neighbourhood and kill anything that moves and has a face. As a way of making sure I’m aware of this he will bring bits back. When I say bits it’s usually something like a kidney or if it’s a rat he will bring a hand as well. Laying them outside the back door for me to see in the morning.

The kidney I surmise is a gift. The hand is a warning. If you’ve ever seen a rat’s hand without the rat attached it’s eerie. It’s beyond Italian Mafia, it’s Columbian. He usually places the hand so it’s pointing right at me. He’s saying, “you tell your family to back off the food rationing or else.”

I’ve learnt the hard way, you can’t choose your cat. They choose you.

Keep calm, till next time. LF


About Author

Leon Fish

Leon fish is well read, well travelled and under educated. He has written for film and television – the highlight being his full-length feature, Bloodspit, which still holds the record as the cheapest Australian film to ever show at the Cannes film festival.

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